“Sit down, strap in, shut up, and listen!” — Pheonix

Health:

• The consumption of certain food additive emulsifiers could be associated with the risk of developing type 2 diabetes
• 'Ozempic Personality': Why You May Not Act Like Yourself on Weight Loss Drugs
• Skincare Firm Vows To Rid 'Ozempic Face' In New Marketing Push
• USDA Updates School Meals To Limit Added Sugar For First Time

Happiness:

• Taco Bell Manager Performs CPR on Lifeless Baby that Pulled Up to the Drive Through ‘the EMT said I saved his life’
• At Just 19, Runner with Down’s Syndrome Makes History as the Youngest Impaired Person to Finish the London Marathon

Tales from Rideshare/Toast and Jam:

• What’s Pheonix Cooking? Honey Garlic Pork Chops

The Pursuit of a Higher Consciousness:

• Vegans Rejoice as Farmers Switch from Chickens to Hemp
• Louisiana Legislative Committee Unanimously Passes Adult-Use Cannabis Framework Bill
• Stoners Still Gathered at Hippie Hill for 4/20 Celebration Despite Event Cancellation
• Cheech and Chong Become Newest Operators in Call of Duty

Back of the Napkin:

• iPadOS 18 could ship with built-in Calculator app, after 14 Calculator-less years
• Most people still rely on memory or pen and paper for password management
• Is Your Tesla Self-Driving Car Narcing You Out?

The Junk Drawer

• When You Need To Post A Lengthy Legal Disclaimer With Your Parody Song, You Know Copyright Is Broken
• Tennessee Republicans Pass Law Allowing Teachers To Be Armed - Democrats Cry ‘Fascism’

Dishonorable Mentions:

• 2 arrested for heroin, crack possession
• Killer Pharmacist Who Diluted Life-Saving Drugs To Be Freed From Prison